Not just emotionally speaking – logistically speaking too. My brother and sister-in-law came into town for a visit and we lived it up, gallivanting all over LA, with booze a-flowing.Īs soon as they left town and the distractions ended though, it got real again. Talk about good timing though – my birthday was the following week so festivities immediately distracted me from the loss. Because with every ultrasound, I had held onto some hope. It was extremely early but still, I was devastated. And four ultrasounds later, it was confirmed, I had miscarried. But a couple days later, on a brisk walk with Kona, it got worse. So without hesitation, I called my OB, who assured me some light spotting was normal. Then one day out of nowhere, at a very early five and a half weeks, I began spotting. We were beyond thrilled and I immediately told a few friends. I was ready.Īfter seven months of trying, we were pregnant. My stress levels were low-ish and besides the occasional ladies night out, I was being mindful of my alcohol consumption too. I was eating healthy, working out regularly, and taking a prenatal vitamin. So, I downloaded a TTC app on my phone and our journey officially began. We had some traveling we wanted to accomplish and we also wanted to feel more financially prepared for kids before we pulled the trigger.įlash forward two years later, after an Italy and Greece vacation, better paying jobs, and some friends’ weddings thrown in the mix, we were ready. After five years of dating and an engagement, we were married at 30 and had no immediate plans for pregnancy. He tried his damndest to conceal his disappointment but I always knew it was affecting him as well.Ĭhris and I were cautious with our TTC (trying to conceive) start date. Chris felt the pressure and the pain each month too. Yet, I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there was always a piece missing and every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, it was a quick and painful reminder of that missing piece. I found happiness in my loving husband, angelic dog (Kona), cozy home, supportive family and friends, stable career, vacations to Japan, Hawaii, and Europe and also, the beauty which surrounded me in Southern California. For they weren’t having to face the agony that I was enduring every month, when the test read negative and a period arrived quickly thereafter.

Jealous of friends, jealous of acquaintances, and even jealous of strangers who were pregnant with no (apparent) conceiving issues. I felt helpless, defeated, and shamefully, jealous. There was a period of time when I was convinced I may never have children of my own.

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